


Rodney McKay and The Chamber of Poorly-Kept Secrets

by theimpossiblegirl39



Series: Rodney McKay and The Incredible Bouncing Archeologist [2]
Category: Stargate Atlantis, Stargate SG-1
Genre: BAMF Rodney McKay, Hurt Rodney, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-25
Updated: 2017-01-09
Packaged: 2018-08-24 16:28:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8379373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theimpossiblegirl39/pseuds/theimpossiblegirl39
Summary: In a split second decision, Rodney grabbed John’s own wrist, and prayed that this mind reading thing could work both ways. He tried to project his own thought’s, in which he mimicked John’s thoughts, except with their roles reversed. He showed John how he would feel if the other man died instead. The soft “Oh” that John whispered into the room was confirmation enough that the Colonel had gotten the message. Good, then now was his chance. He had to save Atlantis and his friends. Even if he died trying.Rodney gains new powers and insights on his feelings for John, and does NOT act accordingly.





	1. Hear The Sounds Of Maniacal Laughter

**Author's Note:**

> Dedicated to popkin16 for commenting on every chapter and supporting me through my first Rodney McKay story.  
> Chapter Title from "Mass Hysteria" by Green Day

Rodney McKay trudged through the mud as he made his way over the planet’s swamp-like terrain. He hated planets with swamps. He also hated planets with bugs, heat, cold, sun, darkness, caves, mountains, valleys, deserts, oceans, and hostile, primitive natives. It really was a wonder that he went on away missions at all. All he did was complain about whatever grievance he could find about wherever they happened to be at the moment. And then all John did was complain about Rodney’s complaining. And then Teyla and Ronan would share a knowing smile, Rodney would blush, everything would fly completely over John’s gravity-defying hair covered head, and then Rodney would just want to crawl into a little hole and never come out. Well, until dinner time at least. 

Rodney cringed. Yes, this mission was shaping up to be just like all the others. They were supposed to be resting, since that whole debacle with the wraith and Daniel ascending. Again. The only reason they were out here was because SGA-2 had stumbled over a hidden underground chamber. Literally stumbled. Dr. Parrish had fallen through the opening and Major Lorne had to go down after him. In the end, Parrish had a nasty sprained ankle and found no interesting vegetation. Oh well. 

Now as Rodney neared the opening of the cave, he watched as John and Ronan went in first to make sure there were no scary aliens in there that would try to eat them. 

“Hurry up Colonel. We don’t have all day.” 

“Keep your pants on McKay. It’s all clear.”

Rodney and Teyla slowly made the descent down into the chamber. They were greeted with a bright, flashy structure in the middle of the room, made from some kind of advanced technology that was vaguely familiar to Rodney, although he couldn’t quite place it. 

“Any ideas who put it here?” Rodney nearly jumped 7 feet into the air. 

“God Colonel! Give a man some warning before you sneak up on him like that.” 

“Sorry Rodney.”

“To answer your question, no I do not know who put it here, or what it does. You’re gonna have to give me a few minutes. Like, twenty.” 

Rodney went to work on the structure and unpacked several pieces of equipment from his backpack, including a power bar. He wasn’t paying much attention when John and Ronan went out to patrol around the swampy marshlands outside, or when Teyla said she was going to go outside, that there was something blocking the signal to the walkie in the cave. The next time he looked up, he was alone. And panicking. “Guys! Where did you go? Seriously, of all the times to be running around-” Suddenly, the structure lit up and began emitting a low hum. Rodney whipped back around to look at it, having briefly forgotten it was there in his anger. Recognition flooded his eyes, and he pressed himself against the wall as flat as he could.

It was Replicator technology. 

Rodney began to yell all sorts of obscenities as the humming grew louder. 

“Rodney!” 

Rodney could hear John in the distance, he looked up and saw him at the entrance to the chamber. 

“Sheppard! It’s Replicator technology!”

“Crap! Rodney, we can’t get in. There’s a forcefield of some sort. Can you figure out a way to get rid of it?”

Rodney lunged for his tablet. “I’m trying, but it’s part of the structure, which I still have no idea how to turn off. It’s different than all the other Replicator tech we’ve seen. It makes no sense.” 

“Keep trying buddy, we’ll try to find another way in.”

“Of course I’m going to keep trying, how long have you known me? Do you really think I’m just going to stand here like-like Kavanaugh, and just wait for the thing to explode and kill me? I’m much too important.” 

“You know what I meant.”

“Well, yes I did, and I appreciate your encouragement, Colonel, I’m still hardly going to allow myself to be incinerated-” 

Suddenly, the humming became screeching, and a beam of light shot out of the structure hitting Rodney squarely in the chest. The last thing he heard before the darkness, was somewhere nearby, someone was yelling his name.


	2. And I Don't Know If I'm Ever Coming Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Rodney?” Snapping back to reality, he finds Teyla and the others staring at him, like he’s grown a third head. “Are you alright?”
> 
> Rodney splutters. “I’m fine, but I think we need to hurry up and get back. I think I just had a vision of some sort.”
> 
> Alarmed that McKay is apparently now hallucinating, the team begins to rush back to Atlantis.
> 
> Later, in the infirmary, Dr. Keller makes an unsettling discovery. “There are nanites in your blood stream.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title from "The Last Train To Clarksville" by The Monkees.

Rodney opened his eyes, and looked up at the rocky ceiling above him. “Ugh…”

He felt a hand on his pounding head and slowly turned it to see Teyla, John and Ronan staring down at him. “Rodney, buddy, are you okay?”

“I feel like my brain matter has been splattered on the wall behind me, but other than that, I appear to be alright.”

John grinned, Rodney’s snippy attitude telling him that his friend was more or less unharmed. He stuck out his hand to pull Rodney up. Rodney took it, and soon was on his feet, swaying only a little. Once he was settled standing up, John let go and clasped his shoulder, turning to the others.

“I think we should head back and get McKay checked by a doctor.”

Teyla nodded. “I agree. I do not believe this device to bring any good with it, as it is Replicator technology.” 

The team made their way back to the Stargate, back over the swampy marshes. As they continued to walk Rodney began to feel restless, like he had too much energy. That means there is something definitely wrong, he realized. He turned to Teyla, who was standing next to him, and grabbed her arm to get her attention.

Suddenly his mind was clouded with images of Torren, Kanaan, and Teyla in a house, eating a freshly cooked meal. Through the door, John stumbles in wearing rumpled clothes, followed by Ronan and himself. They join Teyla and the others at the table. The atmosphere is decidedly domestic and… familial, Rodney realizes. This is Teyla’s family. He and John and Ronan are part of Teyla’s family. She cares for them as she does her son and lover. This makes Rodney feel strangely bubbly inside. 

“Rodney?” Snapping back to reality, he finds Teyla and the others staring at him, like he’s grown a third head. “Are you alright?”

Rodney splutters. “I’m fine, but I think we need to hurry up and get back. I think I just had a vision of some sort.”

Alarmed that McKay is apparently now hallucinating, the team begins to rush back to Atlantis.

Later, in the infirmary, Dr. Keller makes an unsettling discovery. “There are nanites in your blood stream.”

Immediately, Ronan’s hand went to his gun, and was only stopped from drawing by John’s hand. “Is he gonna end up like Elizabeth?” 

“No, they look...different. Rodney, would you care to lend your expertise?”

Rodney looked at the internal image of his body, little speckles showing up all over his virtual veins. They seemed to be tiny squares, a version of Replicator technology that was way more primitive than they were used to. He relayed this to rest of the group.

“So, what does that mean?” John pressed. 

“That means that they will eventually stop working. They aren’t designed the same way to be as toxic to human physiology, therefore rendering them mostly harmless. However, there might be side effects.”  
“Side effects?”

“Increased cognitive ability, enhanced physical ability, possibly growing new limbs, hallucinations of us all eating together around a little table with Teyla, Torren and Kanaan-” 

Teyla gasped softy. “You saw.”

Rodney stared at her for a second. “Saw what?”

“You saw what I was thinking. At the exact moment you grabbed my arm and froze in your vision, I was thinking about the four of us sharing a meal with Kanaan and Torren. I wish to have a meal with those I care most for all around me.”

“I...I read your mind?”

“Yes.”

Rodney stared at Teyla a moment longer. “This is so cool!” 

John could see where this was going. “Rodney…”

“I can use this to read the minds of all my scientists and finally find out what goes on their head when they insist on making stupid errors! I can -”

“Rodney.”

“-read the thoughts of indigenous aliens and find out whether or not they want to eat us before decided to take part in their rituals. And I can even read-”

“Rodney!”

“-Zelena’s mind when he starts looking at me like I should know what mushy emotional thing he’s talking about when he says I should tell John-”

Suddenly, Ronan grabbed McKay by the wrist. His vision was instantly clouded with images of Ronan ripping his vocal chords out through his throat. He pulled away from the large Satedan as fast as possible. “Okay I get it I’ll shut up. Sheesh.”

John was about to ask what mushy emotional thing Zelenka might mean as well, when suddenly an alarm sounded and Mr. Woolsey came over the radio. “Colonel Sheppard, Dr. McKay, please come to the gateroom immediately.”

When the team got to the gateroom, Mr. Woolsey was standing over Chuck and Zelenka. He began talking as soon as SGA-1 reached the top of the stairs. 

“We picked up a ship heading our way.”

John’s eyes widened in alarm. “Who’s driving?”

Zelenka looked up. “We zink it iz Replicator.” 

“How did they find us?”

At this point Rodney jumped in. “They must have been alerted when the machine in the chamber went off and zapped me. Like some sort of beacon.”

“Then what led them to Atlantis? The machine’s on a whole other planet.”

“They must’ve tracked the nanites it released into my bloodstream. Primitive or not, they might still be sending out a subterraneous signal.”

“So they followed us home?”

“Essentially, yes.”

“So you’re saying that your nanites have compromised the location of Atlantis?”

“Yes, I can’t make it any plainer. The Replicators are on their way to Atlantis and I led them here.”

John looked at Rodney with a grim expression. “Well, crap.”


	3. Did You Hear Your Favorite Song, One Last Time?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John was horrified. “No Rodney, you are not going in there yourself. I’ll go.”
> 
> “And just how are you going to get past them? With your boyish looks and irresistible charm?
> 
> “I’ll manage."
> 
> “Oh look everyone! It’s Colonel John-no-self-preservation-so-I-risk-my-life-all-the-time-unnecessarily Sheppard, and his gravity defying hair! What a nice surprise.” 
> 
> “Rodney, don’t make me order you to stay behind.”
> 
> “You wouldn’t do that. You need me to help you with this, and you know it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title from "The '59 Sound" by The Gaslight Anthem

“So, what’s the plan?” John asked.

Rodney looked at John, perplexed. He was still recovering from being zapped with mind reading nanites and having just accidently lead the Replicators right to their doorstep. Did John really think Rodney could just come up with a genius plan that would no doubt be dangerous and successful at saving the city from sure destruction under all that pressure?

Well of course he did. He’s Colonel John Sheppard, and Rodney is Dr. Meredith Rodney McKay. That’s kind of what they did for a living. And oh look, there was that plan now.

“I’ve got it!”

“Well you might wanna share with the rest of the class McKay.”

“Well, the chair is currently out. We’re running very low on drones and I don’t think we have enough to destroy the ship. Maybe just tick them off a little.”

“Yes we know all that McKay. What else can we do?”

“I’m getting to that. Anyway, last month, Zelenka and I found an Ancient device that we believe was more like the Ancient version of a firecracker, and put it away in storage because at the time we didn’t think it was useful. If one of us could go up there and plant it in the engine, we could set off an explosion that would set off several secondary explosions, blowing up the whole ship.”

John nodded, thinking it all over. Teyla spoke. “But how would we get into the ship’s engine room undetected? Surely they would notice us there before they allowed us to reach such a sensitive part of the vessel.” 

“Well, when Elizabeth snuck into their facility the last time, she had quite a bit of time before she was noticed.” Rodney pointed out. 

“Yes but she had nanites-” Teyla cut off mid sentence, looking up at Rodney alarmed.  
John was horrified. “No Rodney, you are not going in there yourself. I’ll go.”

“And just how are you going to get past them? With your boyish looks and irresistible charm?”

“I’ll manage.”

“Oh look everyone! It’s Colonel John-no-self-preservation-so-I-risk-my-life-all-the-time-unnecessarily Sheppard, and his gravity defying hair! What a nice surprise.” 

“Rodney, don’t make me order you to stay behind.”

“You wouldn’t do that. You need me to help you with this, and you know it.”

“That’s it, I’m ordering you to stay back Dr. McKay.” 

“Good luck keeping me from going, because there is no way I am listening to that order.” Rodney turned to leave. 

“Oh yes you are.” John reached out and grabbed Rodney’s wrist, forgetting for a moment about the nanites. In an instant, Rodney was in a room that looked like the inside of a Replicator engine room. As soon as he appeared, the room was ripped apart by a huge explosion, sending him flying into space. But instead of dying, he was suddenly standing in the gateroom on Atlantis, watching as John Sheppard broke down in screaming sobs and fell onto the floor. Ronan was at his side as soon as John’s knees hit the floor, tears in his own eyes as he tried to comfort his friend in his anguish. Teyla, and Radek stood off to the side, barely holding themselves from joining the Colonel in his hysterics. “No! Rodney! No!” John was screaming. “Not Rodney. Not Rodney.” He kept repeating it over and over. And then the image was gone.

Rodney blinked back into reality, and he could see just by the expression on John’s face that the other man knew what Rodney just saw. John would care if he died. John cared for him. 

In a split second decision, Rodney grabbed John’s own wrist, and prayed that this mind reading thing could work both ways. He tried to project his own thought’s, in which he mimicked John’s thoughts, except with their roles reversed. He showed John how he would feel if the other man died instead. The soft “Oh” that John whispered into the room was confirmation enough that the Colonel had gotten the message. Good, then now was his chance. 

Taking advantage of the dazed state his thought seemed to have induced in John, Rodney turned and ran out of the room as fast as he could. He vaguely heard John and the others shouting his name, calling for help to stop him. With the extra strength the nanites gave to him, he was able to make it all the was way to jumper bay. No retreat, no regret, Rodney was about to pull off an utterly ridiculous Sheppard patented suicide mission. He took a deep breath and called for his Ancient gene to open the bay doors and power up the jumper. He took off into the night sky, not daring to look back, sure that if he saw John he wouldn’t be able to go through with it. But he had to. He had to save Atlantis and all his friends.

Even if he died trying.


	4. I Can Move Mountains, I Can Work A Miracle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If anyone has any doubts that Rodney was not in fact terrified about being alone on a Replicator ship, let it be known that he was indeed, scared out of his mind. He was nauseous, shaking, sweating, and he had only just left the Jumper Bay. Why on earth did he think this would be a good idea? Honestly, the only thing that was keeping him from turning around right now and letting John and Ronan fly up to the ship, guns blazing, was the fear of confronting John after what Rodney had just revealed. He would rather fight a ship of Replicators.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title from "Uma Therman" by Fall Out Boy

If anyone has any doubts that Rodney was not in fact terrified about being alone on a Replicator ship, let it be known that he was indeed, scared out of his mind. He was nauseous, shaking, sweating, and he had only just left the Jumper Bay. Why on earth did he think this would be a good idea? Honestly, the only thing that was keeping him from turning around right now and letting John and Ronan fly up to the ship, guns blazing, was the fear of confronting John after what Rodney had just revealed. He would rather fight a ship of Replicators. 

Rodney prepared to land in the docking bay of the Replicator ship, taking deep breath to calm his nerves. Of course his landing wasn’t spectacular, bouncing a little instead of setting down gently. This was actually the best landing Rodney had ever performed. But he had no time to relish the moment because he only had a few minutes before the Replicators realized there was an intruder. Quickly, exiting Jumper, Rodney walked towards the door. Just as he reached it, it opened and a Replicator walked into the room. He barely looked up, just nodded in Rodney’s general direction, as a greeting. Rodney awkwardly nodded back and scooted around him into the corridor behind. As soon as the door closed, he breathed a sigh of relief. That was close.  
He continued down towards the bowels of the ship hand placed on his gun holstered to his hip. Thank Newton he had remembered to bring his firearm. He’d been in such a rush, and would certainly not be the first time he’d forgotten something so important while he was trying to prove a point. There was that time he forgot a powerbar and he and the team had gotten stranded on a desert planet and he’d almost gone into hypoglycemic shock, although now all his team members carried an extra power bar with them in case he forgot. Then there was that one planet were literally everything was made out of citrus and he had completely misplaced his epipen and had nearly choked to death on the air. That hadn’t been fun, and he’d felt mildly guilty when John told him the native inhabitants thought they had been responsible in some way so they had gifted Atlantis nearly all of their crops and livestock as recompense. It’d been pretty awkward when he’d had to summon the leader of their people to Atlantis and explain to him that it was not the fault of their people he almost died and that they could have their food and animals back. Of course, the worst would have to have been when he’d left his P90 on the ground on a planet and a group of alien monkeys had gotten a hold of it, and accidently killed the alpha monkey, causing them to attack the team, having no hierarchy and turning everything into complete chaos. The team still hadn’t let him live that one down. 

As Rodney walked, he continued to be lost in thought. It made him feel marginally less anxious about being in a potentially life-threatening position. However, the thing about plans is they usually require the person to remain completely focused. If they aren’t paying much attention, then something could go wrong. As the saying goes, the best laid plans often go awry. 

And awry it went.

Rodney walked right into a Replicator woman, slamming his whole body into her and then losing his balance, falling to the floor. This was obviously not Replicator behavior, so immediately she knew he was an intruder. Great job Rodney. 

“There is an intruder aboard!” she alerted the rest of the ship. Superb. 

Rodney jumped up, pushing past her towards the engines. If he could just get there, it wouldn’t matter if he was caught, they would all be destroyed together, saving Atlantis. Unfortunately, Rodney’s noble cause came to a quick and sudden end. As he rounded the corner, a large group of Replicators with startlingly large guns. Rodney stopped short and put his hands up. 

“Um… Hello?”

They didn’t look impressed. 

Something came down hard on Rodney’s head. Through the bright stars in his vision, he could see one of the Replicators coming closer to him. He scrambled to get away, all the time thinking about how he failed to get the explosive to the engines. He’d failed his friends, he’d failed John, and he’d failed Atlantis. As darkness overtook him, he realized that this might be how John feels every time he pulls a stunt like this. He’d have to remember to ask him. Although, he doubted he’d ever get a chance. It was difficult to ask people question when you’re dead. Unless you’re Daniel Jackson of course. 

The Replicators looked at the human, slumped on the ground. This was a perfect opportunity to get information about the Lanteans and the locations of all their allies. The Replicators moved to drag the crumpled man away. There was only one sure way to retrieve this information. 

The probing of his mind.


	5. A Falling Star, At Least I Fall Alone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Titel from "It Ends Tonight" by the All-American Rejects

“Rodney McKay.” The deep voice spoke to Rodney as he opened his eyes. He initially thought he would be greeted with sight of Replicator leering at him, but was shocked to see a familiar face. A face that was dark, embroidered with gold upon the forehead, a face that should not be in the Pegasus Galaxy. 

Teal’c?

“What are you doing here?” he blurted.

All he got in response was an intimidatingly expressive raised eyebrow. Rodney surveyed his surroundings. For some reason, unbeknownst to him, the Replicators had decided to send him to a dream taking place in the Cheyenne Mountain base back on earth. He was currently sitting on the floor of the Gate room. Weirdly, despite that any moment Teal’c might begin torturing him for information, he felt safe. 

“Well, I suppose we’re probably here to save your life and all that jazz.”  
Rodney, whipped around, eyes wide as saucers. “O’Neill?”

“Yup. At least I think so. It’s your dream. I can be anyone.”

“Jack, stop it. You’re freaking him out.” 

Daniel! Rodney was certainly very freaked out. Until he heard a softer voice calling his attention back in the general direction of Teal’c. 

“Rodney, it’s alright,” Sam began. “You aren’t dead, and this isn’t a Replicator dream. This is really your dream.”

Rodney stared at Sam, mulling over her words, slowly picking himself off the ground. “If I’m not dead, and this isn’t a Replicator dream, then what kind of dream is this?” 

This time Daniel spoke. “Your nanites are protecting you from the mind probing by reading your own mind. They took your subconscious to a part of your mind where you felt safe. They must think the place you feel safest is Earth, but surrounded by the science that you love.”

“Then why the heck are you all here? I mean I get Sam, I’ve hallucinated her before, but why the rest of you?”

“You must associate us with the location and are using our representations to process what’s being done to you.” 

“Basically, we’re your guardian angels McKay.” Jack stated, with a gleam in his eye. Rodney shuddered. He was being mind probed and the alien technology in his brain was causing him to have hallucinogenic, realistic dreams of SG-1. No, that wasn’t disturbing at all. 

“I need to set an explosive and stop the Replicator ship from attacking Atlantis. Please, you’ve got to help me here.”

“And how are we supposed to do that?” Teal’c inquired.  
“Well, you’re all really just my subconscious embodied by my… I don’t know if I’d say friends, but certainly more than co-workers. Acquaintances maybe-”

“McKay.”

“Sorry, sorry. Since you’re all me, then you should know how I think, and know all the things I know. You can help me come up with a plan. Am I right?”

“Indeed.”

“Great! So let’s get cracking!” Jack said.

“Well, where is the engine located?” Sam asked.

“The center of the ship, lowest deck.” Rodney answered.

“And we’re exactly three decks up.” Daniel said.

“How did you know- you know what? Never mind. Apparently, even in an unconscious state, I’m the smartest man in the galaxy.” Rodney shook his head.

“So all you need to do is escape and plant that explosive?” Jack asked.

“Well, that”s plan A.”

“Plan B?”

“Escape and set the self destruct.”

“That’s a terrible plan B. It’s less plausible than the original plan.”

“I know.”

“Perhaps you could eliminate the Replicator threat for enough time to set the explosive.” Teal’c suggested.

“That’s impossible, there is no way I can take on a ship of fully functioning Replicators by myself- wait, you might actually have a point. If I could incapacitate the Replicators, they wouldn’t be able to stop me from destroying the ship.” 

“What are you thinking Rodney?” Sam asked.

“Well, we learned from Niam and Elizabeth that when Replicators are exposed to space unprotected they become inoperative. I think we can jettison them all out into space and then I can be free to move around the ship without being stopped. If I set the explosive on a timer, I can get back to the Jumper and fly away before the explosion, and the blast would destroy both the ship and the Replicators floating in space outside the hull.” 

“While that’s a great plan and all, I want to know how you are going to send all those Replicators into space. You do remember that shooting humans into space unprotected does a lot more damage then becoming inoperative.” Jack drawled. 

“I can seal myself in the control room. It should even be on this deck somewhere.”

“That still doesn’t solve the problem of getting away from the Replicators currently probing your mind.” Daniel reminded. 

Suddenly, from the far reaches of his conscience, Rodney heard a faint voice calling out, calling his name. “Rodney!”

John.

“I don’t think he’ll have much trouble now.” Sam said with a knowing smirk. 

The gate behind him roared to life, the event horizon glittering bright blue. Rodney knew that this was going to be so cliché. He’d have to walk through the Stargate to wake up. He might as well get it over with. But something made him hesitate. He stopped at the ramp, and turned back to the others. 

“I know that technically you are all figments of my imagination, but I’d like to say thank you for protecting me from the Replicators’ probing, and helping with the plan. It helped to have a qualified sounding board, even if it just my subconscious the whole time. It was kinda nice.” 

“Don’t worry about it. Now go get ‘em tiger.” Jack gave him a friendly slap on the back. 

“It was an honor to be apart of your subconscious Rodney McKay.” Teal’c gave a slight bow.  
“Thanks, I think.” Rodney was confused on how exactly to answer that. 

“Hey anytime you need a hallucination, I’m your girl.”

“Thanks Sam.” Rodney turned back to the gate, only to be stopped by Daniel calling his name.

“Rodney!”

“For crying out loud, Daniel Just let the man leave!” Jack reprimanded.

“Yes Daniel?”

“I just want to say good luck-”

“Thank you.”

“And don’t forget to bounce.”

Rodney smiled at his friend for a moment, then turned and walked through the Stargate.


	6. So Close Your Eyes and Kiss Yourself Goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “So did you wake up by clicking your heels together and saying ‘there’s no place like home?’”
> 
> “No, I went through the Stargate.”
> 
> “That’s pretty cliché.”
> 
> “I know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title from "Having A Blast" by Green Day.

“Rodney!” John shot the Replicator whose hand was wrist deep in Rodney’s skull. It was immediately reduced to particles. Before he’d even had time to check Rodney was okay, the physicist jumped up and grabbed his arm, dragging him into what could only described as a broom closet. A broom closet with a thousand little flashing buttons and switch that were dangerously close to giving Sheppard a seizure. “McKay, what-”

“Oh no, you do not get to ask any questions about what is going on here. You get to just stand over in the corner and watch as I do what I came here to do, albeit not my original plan. It’s more like Plan C, since Jack vetoed my Plan B. Teal’c suggested it. Well it wasn’t really Jack, Jack O’Neill I mean, it was my own nanite infested subconscious, but I swear the likeness to SG-1 was impeccable. Anyway, you already served your purpose in getting me away from Mr. Probey Fingers back there, and even though I strongly appreciate it, I am so not happy to see you. You know, I don’t come and rescue you every time you try to scare us all by pulling off sort of terrifying stunt that will most likely get you killed yet undoubtedly you end up being perfectly fine and-” 

“Wait, you were hallucinating General O’Neill? Was he wearing clothes?”

“What?! Of course he was. What do you take me for, some kind of pervert?”

“Well the last time you hallucinated anyone from SG-1, it was Carter and she wasn’t wearing any clothes.” 

“She was only partially unclothed. And if you’d been listening, you would have picked up on the fact that Teal’c and Daniel were there along with Sam and O’Neill.” 

“Is this the part where you start pointing to people and saying ‘you were there, and you were there and you..’”

“Very funny Colonel. Obviously not. You’re the only other one here.”

“So did you wake up by clicking your heels together and saying ‘there’s no place like home?’”

“No, I went through the Stargate.”

“That’s pretty cliché.”

“I know.” 

From seemingly nowhere, there was a loud sucking noise, that lasted for only about ten seconds before stopping. As soon as it did, Rodney moved to the door.

“Wait, where are you going? There are Replicators out there. How are you going to get past them without getting captured again?”

“There are no more Replicators. I just jettisoned them all out into space. That was my brilliant plan.”

“You mean Teal’c’s brilliant plan.” 

Rodney glared.

“Okay your brilliant plan. I’m just teasing you McKay.”

“Well, I’m not really in the mood.”

“I noticed. Look, I only came up here because I thought you could use the help. I didn’t really trust that the whole blending in thing was going to work and I knew you probably wouldn’t be able to fight off a ship of Replicators. So I came up here to give you a hand. I’m not going to apologize, because I wouldn’t be doing my job as team leader or as your friend if I let you go and die trying to save us without at least going with you. So you can grumble all you want about it, but you’re stuck with me.”

“Fine. I suppose it’s just as well that you’re here. You can help me with my plan. I need someone to set the blast up in the engine room.”

“What are you going to do?”

“Well, now that all the Replicators are dormant in space, it occurs to me that we can move about the ship freely. I am going to wire the self destruct to act as a secondary explosion to expand the blast radius and make sure we destroy all the Replicators outside the ship, no chance of them being found and restored.”

“That’s a great idea. Give me the explosive.”

Rodney handed John the device. “I’m going to set it on a timer. It will give us three minutes to make it back to the Jumpers and take off before we get caught in the explosion. Set it and then get out.”

“Okie dokie. Take this just in case. See you in a few minutes.” John grinned, handed Rodney a spare NRG, and ran off to set the explosion. Taking a deep breath, Rodney went in the direction of the bridge. The short jog to the bridge wasn’t as tiring as he expected, which meant either he was on adrenaline high or the nanites were still working. This was a good thing, because as he rounded the corner, he was greeted by three Replicators. How did they manage to stay on the ship? Rodney thought. Quickly he pulled out the NRG and fired. The first two were destroyed easily, but the third deflected the shot like it was nothing. Oh crap, they’ve adapted. 

The Replicator moved closer to Rodney, hands out stretched, ready to kill, when Rodney did something that surprised even himself. He gave the Replicator a swift kick and elbowed it in the face, then swung it into an empty room, closing and locking the door behind him. The Replicator pounded on the door, but Rodney didn’t have the time to worry about it. He had to get to the bridge. He sprinted the rest of the way, hoping John had had better luck. 

As it was, John had not had better luck. He had found a few Replicators of his own, but was able to neutralize them with the NRGs. However, when he reached the engine room, he found the doors sealed shut. No matter how hard he pushed and pulled, the doors would not budge. So he set the explosive on the door, hoping it was close enough to ignite the ship. He just hoped Rodney would be able to set the self destruct and that they would be able to get out of there in time.

Rodney finally reached the bridge and immediately began furiously typing, searching for the self destruct. With a few little tweaks to the system, he was able to set it for three minutes. A red blaring light came on overhead in the ceiling accompanied by a shrill sound that was reminiscent of a Star Trek Red Alert. Now all he had to do was get back to the Jumper. However, as he turned to leave, he realized that getting back might be a problem.

John was waiting by the Jumper, listening to the self destruct alarms when his radio crackled to life. 

“John we have a problem.”

“What’s wrong? Is it the self destruct?” 

“No, I set that. It’s the bulkhead doors. They are rigged to close when the self destruct is set. I can’t open them.”

“I’m coming.”

“No! You need to get out of here. We only have two minutes and twenty seconds before the ship explodes.”

“I am not leaving you behind, so don’t even try that with me. I will be right there.” John began running towards the door, when heard a sound behind him. It was coming from the Jumper.

 

Dr. Radek Zelenka was staring at the radar screen watching as the Replicator ship grew closer and closer. He really hoped Rodney and Colonel Sheppard would be able to stop the ship before it reached the city. He hoped even more that they would both make it back safely. Atlantis needed them. Radek just couldn’t handle the pressure of heading the science team, and he considered Rodney a friend. Everyone would be devastated if they were to be killed. Radek was so lost in thought and concern for his friends, that he almost didn’t notice when the ship blinked off the screen. He stared in surprise, and was only broken out of his reverie by Jennifer Keller yelling for him and Mr. Woolsey to come to the balcony. From the control tower, the tallest building in Atlantis, Radek could very clearly see that the sky was on fire. The explosive must have worked! He could hear through his comm as people began to rejoice in the victory. But as he gazed up at the sky, he realized something was missing. There was no sign of Sheppard and Rodney. His breath caught in his throat. 

They didn’t make it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mwahahaha! I know, I left it at a really crucial point. Don't worry all will be resolved in the next and final chapter. Stay tuned!


	7. At The Expense Of The Death Of A Bachelor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was it, Rodney was going to die. And, apparently, John was gunning to go with him.
> 
> “I’m serious Sheppard. They are meant to withstand any foothold situation, like, ever. You aren’t going to just prise it open with the sheer force of will.”
> 
> “Did you just use the word “like” ironically as if you were a fourteen year old girl?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title from "Death of a Bachelor" By Panic! At The Disco

“Self Destruct in two minutes.” The automated voice rang out on the bridge of the Replicator ship, nearly giving Rodney a heart attack. This was it, Rodney was going to die. And, apparently, John was gunning to go with him.

“I’m serious Sheppard. They are meant to withstand any foothold situation, like, ever. You aren’t going to just prise it open with the sheer force of will.”  
“Did you just use the word “like” ironically as if you were a fourteen year old girl?”

“Oh yes. That’s exactly the problem here. My choice in words. Not the fact we’re both about to blow into smithereens despite the fact that there is absolutely nothing stopping you from leaving except your own stupidity.” 

“Self destruct in one minute thirty seconds.”

Suddenly, sparks flew from the inside of the bulkhead controls, startling Rodney so much he almost lost his balance. “What the he-”

As it opened, Rodney saw massive figure standing in the doorway, arm outstretched with a gun pointed directly at the controls. “You were taking too long.” 

“Ronan!?”

“Rodney!” a cheerful voice called from behind the large man.

“Teyla!? What are you two doing here?”

John looked smug. “What, did I forget to mention? I found these guys in the Jumper.”

“We hid under the benches.”

“Why?”

Teyla’s smiling face became serious. “Because you are our friend too Rodney, and we care about you just as everyone else on Atlantis does. As John always says, we never leave a man behind. Especially you.”

Rodney definitely wasn’t tearing up. Nope. He just had some dirt in his eye.

“Self destruct in one minute.” 

The automated voice spurred everyone into action. “Come on,” Ronan said. “Let’s get out of here.” 

They ran down the corridor towards the Jumpers. “We’ll take both Jumpers. Teyla, go with Rodney. Ronan with me.” John barked as they reached the docking bay. With Teyla close behind him, Rodney fell into the pilot’s chair and began to power up the Jumper. Through the window, he could see John doing the same. 

“Self destruct in twenty seconds.”

The bay doors opened, and the Jumpers roared to life.

“Self destruct in ten, nine, eight…”

John’s Jumper lifted off the ground, and began gliding through the air towards open space. 

“Seven, six…”

Rodney felt it when his own Jumper broke from the gravity on the ship, and pushed forward. He could understand why John always got a thrill from flying. As terrifying as it was, it could be pretty fun once you got the hang of it. 

“Five, four, three…”

The two Jumpers cleared the door and sped off away from the ship.

“Two…”

Rodney and John pushed the controls to the max, willing the Jumpers to get as far away from the blast zone as possible.

“One.”

The force of the blast nearly sent both Jumpers spinning out of control, but Rodney and John managed to maintain control. The ship was close enough to the planet that the explosion ignited the top layer of the atmosphere, forcing the Jumpers to fly lower. In Rodney and Teyla’s Jumper, the comms crackled into life. John’s voice broke through the static. “Well, I’m willing to bet a year’s salary that they’re all dead. Who else?”

Down below, on the surface of the planet, Zelenka and the others of the Atlantis Expedition mourned the loss of their flag team. In the corner, Miko huddled in a chair sobbing, while Chuck awkwardly patted her back in an attempt to provide comfort. Richard Woolsey had gone to his office, and was currently sitting with his head in his hands. Dr. Keller stood on the balcony, where she had been since the beginning of this ordeal, searching the sky for any signs of Jumpers. Zelenka himself sat at the control center, searching the radar, praying quietly for any readings. He was beginning to think it was futile, and that his friends were actually dead. It didn’t seem fair. They had escaped so many life threatening situations in the past, and now they were killed defeating the Replicators. And just when Rodney had finally gathered enough courage to tell John he cared about him in a more-than-platonic way. Ronan and Teyla weren’t anywhere to be found either, leading them all to believe they had also disobeyed Sheppard’s orders and went up to the ship with him. Just as Zelenka began to think about how awful it was that Torren would grow up without a mother, Jennifer let out a loud cry. “I see them! They’re alive!” Zelenka leaped from his chair and peered up at the radar screen, thanking any deity that would listen when he saw two little blips. Richard Woolsey came running from his office, and immediately patched himself into the comms.

“Jumpers One and Two, this is Atlantis. Can you hear me?”

“This is Jumper Two. I am very happy to say that the Replicator threat has been eradicated and we have no casualties.”

Once again Atlantis erupted into cheers. 

“Hi Woosley? This is Dr. McKay. I’m fine and well and alive for the most part. I just have one question. Why in the name of all that is good did you allow Colonel-Death-Wish and his band of merry suicidal thieves to come up after me? I had it under control.”

“You clearly did not have it under control Rodney,” John drawled over the static.

“Yes I did. I would have managed without you.”

“No you wouldn’t have. We saved your life twice, and allowed you to set the secondary explosion.”

“Well, for your information, I had a perfectly solid plan about how to get away from the Replicators the first time, thank you very much, and…” 

As Rodney and John began bantering back and forth about how much help Rodney actually needed, Zelenka smiled to himself. Yes, everything was back to normal.

 

Epilogue 

 

“So no more nanites?”

“No Rodney,” Jennifer smiled. “No more nanites. You’re free to go.”

Rodney left the infirmary with mixed emotions. On one hand, he was happy to be rid of those tiny little robots crawling around his bloodstream, but one the other, it was pretty cool to be able to read minds and actually keep up physically with the others for a while. Plus, it was because of them he had finally shared his feelings with John, and had the pleasure of discovering they were reciprocated. Even three weeks later, not much had changed. It seemed that unconsciously, they had already been behaving like a couple. Spending almost every waking moment of free time together, goofing off together, teasing that borderlined on flirting, even bringing each other coffee arbitrarily as an excuse to see one another. The only differences now were the level of intimacy they had with one another, and that it was a publically recognized relationship. Which in a way, was very annoying. Miko had cried for at least a week when they had announced their new status as a couple. It was a very informal affair. The day after they destroyed the Replicator ship, they had walked into the mess holding hands, deep in conversation. In fact, they never even said anything out loud to anyone; people just seemed to intuitively pick up on the new dynamic and take it in stride, usually hiding a smug little grin on their faces. 

On top of Miko crying, he’d been receiving strange congratulatory slaps on his back from the marines, and Ronan had stared him down for a good eight minutes before breaking out into laughter, hugging him, and walking away, having said literally nothing. It freaked Rodney out a little. Teyla had brought him and John tea and insisted they partake in a Athosian ritual to ensure a happy future. All in all, Rodney was glad when it was old news and more pressing topics of gossip became the focus of the expedition. 

As he turned the corner, he saw John waiting for him by the door to his lab. “Hey Rodney. I’m ready to be used a personal lightbulb.”

“Oh good. Because Radek and I found a new device in the eastern pier that I think may be akin to a holodeck from Star Trek, but on a smaller scale. Can you imagine? We could go anywhere and do anything. You could use it for training scenarios, and the scientists could use it to do experiments without blowing up the city! It’d be brilliant!”

John chuckled. “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. We don’t even know what it actually is yet. How did your check up go?”

“Great. Nanite free.”

“Are you okay?”

“Have you suddenly lost the ability to hear? Yes, I just said that I was nanite free.”

“I know that. But I’m asking if you miss being able to read minds.”

“Not at all.”

“Really?”

“Absolutely.”

“Are you sure?”

“Definitely.”

“Uh huh,” John said, doubtfully.

“Fine. Yes, I’m going to miss reading people’s minds. But it was cool okay?”

John smiled. “It was pretty cool.”

“Now is that it, or can we get to testing my new holodeck.”

“Yes, we can test it now.”

“Good.”

Rodney wasn’t worried for the future. He knew that whatever happened, they’d get through it. Because that’s what they did. He complained about whatever grievance he could find about wherever they happened to be at the moment. And John complained about Rodney’s complaining. And then Teyla and Ronan would share a knowing smile, Rodney would blush, and John would blush, pretend everything went over his gravity-defying hair covered head, and all together they’d save the day. And if from now on they had team dinner with Teyla, Torren, and Kanaan once a week, it was because they were family, and that’s what families did. Even when the holodeck Rodney was so excited about turned out to be a homicidal robot that shot fire out of its head at anyone that tried to shut it down, singeing Ronan’s dreads and ruining Teyla’s favorite top, Rodney knew they would be alright. 

Because that’s what they did. They were alright. Wraith, Replicators, angry natives and cryptic ascended beings and all. They were always alright. And, honestly, Rodney wouldn’t have it any other way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry updates have been few an far between, but we finally made it. I hate endings, so let's just say this is it for the "Rodney McKay and the Incredible Bouncing Archeologist" series for now, but I am definitely not done with Rodney. Thank you so much for all of your support! Leave Kudos and comments!


End file.
